i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
