I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
