First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
