I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
