Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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