I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
