you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
