After last night, I could never be a politician.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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