i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
