i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
