Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
