Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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