I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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