sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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