They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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