he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i drank out of a bidet.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
