life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
