Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
