Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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