I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
