i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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