Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
4 words: hood of his car
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
