Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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