you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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