Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize