this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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