so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
