i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
