Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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