im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
