you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
