My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He passed out mid-signature
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
