so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
