i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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