I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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