Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
