I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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