i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
