i think my tv is drunk
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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