he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
