I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
