he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
