Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
