I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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