You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
