My cat gives me a boner
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
