I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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