I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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