It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
