I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
