If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I believe in your delicious
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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