were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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