He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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