you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
