One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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