I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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