it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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