i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
