dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The air was thick with penises
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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