TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
