made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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