Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
farters have to be the big spoon...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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